I wish I had a good reason for not posting on this blog and staying away from the music scene. The truth is, I think I had a variety of reasons.
For a while, I was busy caring for my partner and I felt like I didn’t matter musically. When Tiny Fugues came out, I had very few listeners. I went down that feedback loop of not promoting it enough, and thus feeling like no one cared to listen to it.
For a long time, I was really feeling terrible about my cello playing. I hated my tone, and was endlessly comparing myself to much more practiced and accomplished cellists, and wondering why I didn’t sound like that. And so I withdrew. Playing cello didn’t feel like fun, it felt like drudge work.
For the last two years, I have been concentrating on my career as a teacher and data scientist. In meeting other people who taught and were dedicated to open science, I feel like my career has gone from free fall to be more meaningful. But that has taken some time away from the energy I’ve had to making music.
What has been the way back? I’ve started to be less hard on myself in terms of both my music and my writing. I’ve started to put together a small modular synth and posting some experiments with it.
I’ve started collaborating again and going to music shows and playing with fewer effects. I’ve tried to keep the rough edges to my work, rather than obsessively polishing them away.
I think I’m back. I can’t guarantee it, or that I will have the energy to keep posting here. But I will try.